Difficult feelings are a rather regular and normal aspect of human nature. To some extent, I have them just about every day. Do you?

The challenge is that we are often using a subconscious framework to cope with our feelings. Whether it’s from culture or our family of origin, we have inherited outdated psychological software that leads to glitches and crashes of varying degrees. We aren’t doomed though. We can study our patterns, troubleshoot, and begin uploading new software to more effectively manage our feelings.

To begin, I often observe two predominant ways of coping with unwanted feelings. One is obsession, and the other is suppression.

Obsession is when your mind is spiraling out of control as you try to think the feeling away. It creates the illusion that you are dealing with or processing the feeling when you really aren’t. You view the feeling itself as something that can be cognitively controlled, but the analytical mind just spins and spins and spins to no avail.

Suppression is when you bury the feeling. This becomes damaging when the feeling comes out in disorganized and chaotic ways. The cyclical pattern of avoidance, build up, and explosion is the way the emotional system says, “don’t ignore me!”

What’s more is people who have obsessive patterns sometimes find themselves in toxic entanglements with people who have suppressive patterns– the common denominator being that both individuals believe (usually subconsciously) the feelings are the problem.

However, feelings typically aren’t the problem. Our beliefs about them and responses to them are. So then, what should we believe about feelings and how should we respond to them?

That’s ultimately for you to determine, but here’s a potential foundational belief worth considering: Feelings are real, but they aren’t always true. In other words, the feeling exists. You are experiencing what you’re experiencing. However, the seeming implications of the feeling may be untrue.

Let’s take the feeling of fear as an example. You FEEL the physiological pattern of energy. The tightening of the chest, the tension in the head, the pit in the stomach. Maybe there are accompanying thoughts that you should run away or that you should shut down. Yes, these inner experiences are happening. But is the emotional thought content true? In most situations, no.

The major concern is that feelings can become woven too tightly into our basic beliefs about how we should or shouldn’t respond. Again, going back to fear: “When I feel fear, I should avoid the situation.” If this belief goes unchallenged and if a new perspective on fear is not adopted, fear will dominate our lives in all sorts of maladaptive ways.

We can take any difficult emotion and put it in this model. What does the feeling of [fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, etc.] really mean? The answer could be complicated, but it’s also important to ponder whether the feeling means anything at all, which can actually be a key insight.

Anyway, as your beliefs about feelings evolve, your responses to feelings will evolve, and as your responses to feelings evolve, your beliefs about feelings will evolve. Get it? This is bidirectional causality at its finest.  To start this process, consider spending some time paying voluntary attention to your feelings. Open attention. Friendly attention. No judgement.

The fact is, at minimum, many feelings need to be noticed and acknowledged for what they are– a pattern of energy that comes and goes. Sometimes paying intentional attention can lead to deeper understanding, but that’s not a requirement. Take some pressure off your mind. Just feel. Just pay attention. Remember to keep it open and friendly. If something profound happens, great. If not, isn’t it interesting how mysterious our feelings can be?