I had the idea of writing this post for a while now, but I finally sat down to complete it on June 29. Unexpectedly, my Grandma Thode passed away the day after I wrote the paragraphs below. I thought we had longer—we didn’t. Interesting how life works. Anyway, this is dedicated to Marie Thode. Thank you for a life well lived.

Our senior population has something to offer. Too often, we dismiss them as out of touch or over the hill. They’re not. They just don’t have everything right. But neither do I and, presumably, nor do you. There is something to be said for life experience though. It’s not everything, but it definitely has something to do with credibility, especially in the realm of wisdom.

My grandmothers have that credibility. And that credibility deserves respect.

Both of my grandmothers were born in the rural Midwest during the Great Depression. They were teens by the end of WWII. They were adults when prominent cultural and political figures were assassinated in cold blood. They experienced the unnerving anxiety surrounding countless world events. With dignity, they dealt with health issues, the death of loved ones, and navigated uncertain times the best they could.

Yet, they also found love; they have children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; they take pride in their work; they embrace the Good that life has to offer.

Like the guy says in the Farmers Insurance commercials, “We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.” That describes my grandmothers. It probably describes yours too.

Even in their 90’s, they continue to offer some meaningful life lessons. I could probably keep you here all day, but I picked two in particular that I would like to share, one from each grandmother.

Lesson 1: “I’ve heard a lot of young people these days talk about ‘trying to find themselves.’ If my dad heard me say that, he’d say, ‘it sounds like you need to get to work.’” -Grandma Thode

Sometimes we focus too much on our inner worlds, which can lie at the core of depression and anxiety. We fall into this trap of “finding myself” when there might not actually be a self to find. Think about it: do you ever really find yourself—like the whole thing? No, probably not. So what though? My grandmother’s short anecdote puts the emphasis on action, not so much the mind. In a gentle yet direct way, Grandma Thode would second her father’s words. Get to work. Make a difference. Test yourself a bit. Get out of your head. You find out a lot about yourself through what you do.

Lesson 2: “I’d like them to understand that something natural has happened.” -Grandma Martin

A few years ago, I gathered the courage to ask my Grandma Martin how she would like her family to respond to her death. The quote above was what she told me. She didn’t make it about her, she made it about nature. She said it in the most soothing way too, only as a grandmother can. And I believe her. Life is natural, and since death is a part of life, death must be natural. For some reason, putting it this way helped me develop a deeper acceptance of the inevitable. For sure, death is painful. Grandma knows this as well as anybody. But it’s also a part of something much bigger, much more profound than ourselves.

These lessons will last a lifetime, and they couldn’t have come from better sources. I should add that the wisdom isn’t just in their words— it’s also in their gestures, the look in their eye, and most definitely in their smile. I’m not sure who to attribute this quote to, but it makes sense: “nothing is more beautiful than a smile that has struggled through years and tears.” I agree.

As the title states, this is a note to those who are always on the go– parents, ambitious professionals, caffeine feigns, busy bodies, the over-bookers, and to everyone who struggles with FOMO.

Always in a rush? Constantly hurrying to get to the next thing?

What does this do to your mind and relationships?

Some possible consequences… Thoughts become rushed and hurried. Emotional processing becomes rushed and hurried. Decisions become rushed and hurried. Interactions feel rushed and hurried. Life passes you by– rushed and hurried. Kids grow up– rushed and hurried. And on and on the vicious cycle continues.

Rush! Hurry! Get to the next thing!

If this is how you choose to live, that’s your right. But if you’d like to try something different and get a little calmer while you’re at it, consider these simple tips. None of them are groundbreaking discoveries, but maybe they’ll be helpful.

1. Slow Down.

Walk slower. Talk slower. Eat slower. Breathe slower. Reach for your next sip of coffee slower. Dare I say, drive slower? Doesn’t have to be a lot slower, just a little bit slower. Do it consciously. Choose your pace.

Intentionally slowing down basic, everyday actions will help disrupt your automatic patterns and down-regulate your nervous system– AKA help you get calmer.

Another way to slow down is to press the pause button. If you’ve ever played video games, you know about the pause button. Although we can’t have the exact same thing in reality (it’s just a metaphor), we should consider incorporating something like it into our lives. However, the premise for pausing in real life isn’t to check your phone or get food out of the microwave– it’s to create time for noticing. Notice things like the ground beneath you, the sky above you, the mood within you, the energy you’re giving off, these kinds of things.

But wait, you don’t have the time! You won’t get anything done!

That’s not true. Test the theory. You’ll still get plenty done.

2. Take advantage of “calm potentiality.”

Life sometimes presents gifts, and there doesn’t need to be a reason why. The only thing for us to do is to accept them as they come. One of these gifts is (potentially) calm moments. But in order to embrace them fully, you must know what you’re looking for.

Constantly being on the go can make anxiety your default psychological setting, which means you might feel hurried when there is no need to hurry or like you need to solve a problem when there is no problem to solve or that you need to get somewhere when there is no place to be. These moments naturally possess what I call “calm potentiality.” When there is no need to hurry, no problem to solve, and no place to be, recognize this and settle into it, even if it’s just a few minutes.

Might sound strange to say, but it’s okay to be okay.

3. Get some sleep.

This one is tough for those who are always on the go. It could be true that your life might be in a circumstance that makes this virtually impossible, so understanding the “why” behind your sacrifice might be the best you can do. I get that.

But in situations where sleep is possible, which is most cases if we’re being honest, we have to make it a top priority.

The research is absolutely clear: poor sleep negatively affects every single dimension of health. We need to honor our need for rest by having a bedtime routine, not consuming sleep-disrupting substances (alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, food, etc.) too close before dozing off, and giving ourselves permission to let go of the day’s activities. Quality sleep allows your subconscious mind to do its thing–reorganize information and clean out the junk. Without this, brain functioning suffers.

To conclude, here are some benefits to the tips listed above… You might actually be more thorough in your thinking. You might process emotions more clearly and be able to stabilize your mood. Your interactions with others will seem less pressured. You will make better decisions. Life will still pass you by because that’s what life does, but you will actually be present for more of it. Your kids will grow up too, but probably not so rushed and hurried. And ultimately, the vicious cycle might stop with you.

This morning, I woke up, sat on my porch, drank coffee, came back inside, and saw my recently-purchased Charles Bukowski poetry book sitting on the living room table. I turned to a random page, read a few poems, and then stumbled upon one called “everywhere, everywhere.”

The central message of this piece is that so many of us “grimly hold on to our misery” and spend a significant amount of our lives caught up in the “pettiest rancor and hatred.” Bukowski ends the poem with this line: “finally there is nothing for death to take away.”

Kind of sad, isn’t it? Also, probably more common than it should be, right?

I felt the urge to write a poetic rebuttal of sorts. I’m no Bukowski, but I wanted to put into words a reminder to myself that other possibilities exist. Not to mention, this wasn’t exactly the kind of morning reading I wanted to start my day with.

Here’s what I came up with. Thought it might be work the share.

A LIFE WELL LIVED

Be Someone.
Be Useful.
Cultivate Skills and Knowledge.
Continue to Grow
As long as You possibly Can.
Give death
Something to take away.

Pursue Health.
Pursue Connection.
Move Often.
Nourish Wisely.
At least
Make death work
To find You.

Go for It.
Do the Thing.
Contribute.
Honor what’s Important.
And in your Final Moments
Perhaps death can’t conquer
Your Peace.

Maybe
This is what is Meant
By “a Life Well Lived.”

Right now, there are people working through their struggles the best they can. Valid struggles. Real life struggles. This requires courage, which is a character quality worthy of deep respect.  

Even better, right now, there are people who are dealing with their struggles with grace. Isn’t that something? I admire those who can struggle in a dignified way. That’s humanity at its finest.

Now, there may be some folks who are in denial of this, but struggle is inherent to the human condition. And even the most chacterologically evolved of us still feel the struggle. It’s true. All of us, to varying degrees, feel the struggle.

Therefore, it is irrational to believe that mental health is somehow synonymous with feeling “positive” emotion. At least not all the time. Our nature does not allow it, nor would we want it to if we really think about it. Eventually, you will struggle, which means it is okay and, quite frankly, healthy to feel the accompanying discomfort.

In simple terms, mental health is functioning well given the circumstances, and it actually has much less to do with feelings than what our intuitions may indicate. Not to say that feeling happy or joy or sadness or anger are irrelevant, just that they have more to do with the “circumstances” part of mental health than the “functioning well” part.

I believe human beings ultimately want fulfillment. However, stubborn facts exist, and one of them happens to be that most anything in life that is truly fulfilling involves some sort of struggle.

So, if you are struggling, maybe there is an opportunity for fulfillment within your circumstances. Do you have a challenge to work through? Do you have something you need to get done that you’re putting off? Is there an uncomfortable conversation that you really need to have? If so, good.

I’m not saying it will be easy, but I am saying it will be Good. Even if it doesn’t feel good and, yes, even if it doesn’t turn out perfect. You know the basic steps: get reasonably calm, think it through, then take action. Difficult? Sure. But with a little courage and curiosity, we can do difficult things.

Ouch. That’s a bit of a rough title. I won’t depress you though. I just think we are asking the wrong question. My apologies if the title came across as somewhat clickbaity, but while you’re here, perhaps this post is worth a read.

In his book The Conquest of Happiness, British philosopher Bertrand Russell got me thinking differently about the question “what is the purpose of life?” Instead of finding A purpose, he proposed that we should look for purposes (plural) that incorporate a broad range of interests and identities. Maybe this doesn’t sound profound to you, but it surely does to me. Let me explain why.

For so long, I’ve heard people ask questions about the meaning/purpose/point (often used interchangeably) of life as if there is just one answer. This imbedded assumption is terribly limiting, which is probably a consequence of the human mind demanding simple clarity and false certainty when reality actually indicates otherwise. You know how these traps work: one lover, one best friend, one career, one forever home, one favorite [fill in the blank], one true opinion, and on it goes to where eventually we arrive at the need for one purpose of life (interestingly, with no specificity as to whose life, implying a one size fits all model).

A quick side tangent. I used to be a house painter, which sounds like a pretty straight forward job– put the paint on the house, got it. However, through the years of working on different crews, I developed what I call “painter’s mind.” This has nothing to do with the fumes. Instead, it is recognizing that the seemingly obvious, natural method is often not the best method. And although the best methods take a while to develop, they’ll save you time and prevent countless messes in the long run.

That’s kind of how I see the question “what is the purpose of life?” It seems like an obviously important and natural question to ask. But it sets us up for wasted time and existential messes. So, let’s use our painters mind here and come up with a better approach. Rather than trying to find our why, the point of life, and our one, sole purpose, we should be trying to find our whys, points of life, and our purposes (again, plural).

Where do we start? It often helps if there are philosophical, social, and behavioral components. No, it’s not too complicated. Avoid the simplicity trap. For example, people often think about philosophical concepts like love, freedom, and wisdom; social dimensions like friendship, marriage, and family; and behavioral aspects like doing hobbies, communication, and fitness. These are all whys, points, and purposes. Identify yours and work to incorporate them all.

If adopted, this paradigm shift will help you be less dependent on one thing or person. You will feel less pressure in your life.  It will help you develop a diversified set of identities, which will make you more resilient if you have to shed a purpose that is no longer working for you. You will bounce back quicker from loss and setback. You will be more flexible in the various roles you occupy. Your sense of self-worth will grow.

That’s why I think this insight is profound.

How we ask questions impacts our answers, which can then evolve into deeply held beliefs. Therefore, it follows that if we ask better questions, we will arrive at better answers, which will lead to better deeply held beliefs. Okay then, I’ll end with this question, and I must say it sounds a little funny because new things take a while to get used to, but here it goes: what are the purposes of YOUR life?