Problems can feel like a dark landscape, and the way we think about them is like a flashlight. Shift the beam even slightly, and what once felt overwhelming becomes navigable.

As a therapist, I think a lot about how people approach problems. I’m always keeping in mind whether a change in perspective can modulate the stress response— which, in turn, opens the door to relatively calmer, clearer, and more adaptive thinking.

When struggling with a problem, I find it useful to ask myself (and my clients) the following question: Is there another way to think about this? Even if I stick with my initial way of thinking, it’s good to have options. Options mean I have a choice, and having a choice is empowering, and being empowered means I’m probably feeling less stress. Simple logic, healthy outcome.

Expectations are key too. Here’s an expectation worthy of reflection: There will always be problems. Let go of the idea that you can eliminate them all. Being a human being on this planet means that there will be problems. Don’t let that fact become another problem.

Interpersonal problems are especially common. It’s imperative that we recognize the limitations of framing these problems from a place of control. Another mind is at work, and unless we want to resort to coercion (which can be immoral and illegal), we need to account for the possibility that the other mind is going to act in accordance with its own will. So, instead of control, we might want to frame interpersonal problems through the lens of influence, persuasion, flexibility, or acceptance.

“Work the problem, don’t let the problem work you.” Do you know much about concrete foundations? Me neither, but I’m learning. I have a short story that illustrates this idea.

After a heavy rain last summer, I found water in my basement. Naturally I was angry and worried— because, well, that’s what you’re supposed to do if you find out your foundation is leaking. Still, my distress was serving a purpose, although I was slow to fully recognize it. It helped me detect that the problem was working me, not the other way around. Eventually, I was able to connect with a sense of calm curiosity, which allowed me to discover potential solutions without the added fluster.

It seems to be a reflex of the mind to assume we must be unhappy to solve problems. But I’m not so sure this has to be the case. It’s at least worth it to run a different experiment. I heard this question from someone the other day, and I think it’s a good place to start: How unhappy do I need to be to solve this problem?

Sometimes there can be significant resistance to changing our approach to problems. We cling to what’s familiar, even if it’s no longer serving us. But when we are willing to dig a little deeper, something interesting happens. We realize there’s a wiser way forward. Often, it’s the subtle shift in perspective that reveals a new path.