Full Focus Counseling
Scott Thode, LPC
Marcus Aurelius is an inspiration to me. If you’re not familiar, he was the Roman Emperor from the years 161 to 180. His personal diary was found a long time ago and published in a book called “Meditations.” I highly recommend it. Aurelius’ style of journaling is something that I’ve stolen from him. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Basically, his diary is full of personal insights and advice to himself. I have found this method to be a really effective therapeutic tool. Anyway, thought I’d share some of my recent “meditations.”
When I’m on my deathbed, I want to be looking forward to an eternal sleep. I want to have given my all to this life. When people walk past my casket, I hope they think, “damn he’s dead as hell; nothing more left to give.”
I started believing that my life matters, and it’s changed everything. It requires a little faith, but somehow, I was able to buy in. I wake up, and I have work to do, I have studying to get done, I have responsibilities. This shit matters. LFG.
When life feels hollow, it’s often because my connection to faith has weakened. The cure is to plug back in again and again and again.
Remember: Faith is a balance. Keep it practical and down to earth without overindulgence or pompousness.
There’s always going to be some anxiety. How you interpret and relate to that anxiety is what matters most.
I remember when I was a kid playing basketball, and I often felt anxiety before a game. When I interpreted it as fear, I played scared. But when I interpreted it as energy, I played energized. I didn’t know it at the time, but this insight helped prepare me for life.
Keep this on your mind: Don’t play scared. It’s one of the worst things you can do.
Relationships, relationships, relationships. This is the core ingredient in life. Relationships require work. Conflict is inevitable. Note to self: Communicate with intention, and don’t let your feelings get in the way of understanding others.
Know what’s important. If everything is important, nothing is important. Some things have to matter more than others. Create a values map, then follow the map. It will get me to where I need to go.
Alive in 2025, and you have several roles to fulfill. In order to fulfill them well, you need to know what you’re doing. Write out your job descriptions. Be clear on what kind of father, husband, son, brother, friend, and worker you want to be.
Continue to work on developing an action bias. You tend to think too much. Thinking can be helpful, but it’s not doing. Get to the doing a step or two more quickly.
Contemplate the Good every day. What is it? How do I move toward it? What changes do I need to make? It’s an imperfect journey, but one worth traveling.
Oh yeah, and don’t ever forget: Attitude is everything.
Difficult feelings are a rather regular and normal aspect of human nature. To some extent, I have them just about every day. Do you?
The challenge is that we are often using a subconscious framework to cope with our feelings. Whether it’s from culture or our family of origin, we have inherited outdated psychological software that leads to glitches and crashes of varying degrees. We aren’t doomed though. We can study our patterns, troubleshoot, and begin uploading new software to more effectively manage our feelings.
To begin, I often observe two predominant ways of coping with unwanted feelings. One is obsession, and the other is suppression.
Obsession is when your mind is spiraling out of control as you try to think the feeling away. It creates the illusion that you are dealing with or processing the feeling when you really aren’t. You view the feeling itself as something that can be cognitively controlled, but the analytical mind just spins and spins and spins to no avail.
Suppression is when you bury the feeling. This becomes damaging when the feeling comes out in disorganized and chaotic ways. The cyclical pattern of avoidance, build up, and explosion is the way the emotional system says, “don’t ignore me!”
What’s more is people who have obsessive patterns sometimes find themselves in toxic entanglements with people who have suppressive patterns– the common denominator being that both individuals believe (usually subconsciously) the feelings are the problem.
However, feelings typically aren’t the problem. Our beliefs about them and responses to them are. So then, what should we believe about feelings and how should we respond to them?
That’s ultimately for you to determine, but here’s a potential foundational belief worth considering: Feelings are real, but they aren’t always true. In other words, the feeling exists. You are experiencing what you’re experiencing. However, the seeming implications of the feeling may be untrue.
Let’s take the feeling of fear as an example. You FEEL the physiological pattern of energy. The tightening of the chest, the tension in the head, the pit in the stomach. Maybe there are accompanying thoughts that you should run away or that you should shut down. Yes, these inner experiences are happening. But is the emotional thought content true? In most situations, no.
The major concern is that feelings can become woven too tightly into our basic beliefs about how we should or shouldn’t respond. Again, going back to fear: “When I feel fear, I should avoid the situation.” If this belief goes unchallenged and if a new perspective on fear is not adopted, fear will dominate our lives in all sorts of maladaptive ways.
We can take any difficult emotion and put it in this model. What does the feeling of [fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration, etc.] really mean? The answer could be complicated, but it’s also important to ponder whether the feeling means anything at all, which can actually be a key insight.
Anyway, as your beliefs about feelings evolve, your responses to feelings will evolve, and as your responses to feelings evolve, your beliefs about feelings will evolve. Get it? This is bidirectional causality at its finest. To start this process, consider spending some time paying voluntary attention to your feelings. Open attention. Friendly attention. No judgement.
The fact is, at minimum, many feelings need to be noticed and acknowledged for what they are– a pattern of energy that comes and goes. Sometimes paying intentional attention can lead to deeper understanding, but that’s not a requirement. Take some pressure off your mind. Just feel. Just pay attention. Remember to keep it open and friendly. If something profound happens, great. If not, isn’t it interesting how mysterious our feelings can be?
The late great philosopher Ram Das once said something to the effect of, “Every day, I wake up, and I go to school.” He must’ve been in his 50’s or 60’s at the time.
Ram Das was a smart man. Ph.D. level education. Harvard professor. Studied under some of the greatest spiritual teachers of his time. Wrote many books. Gave many lectures. Probably made a nice stack of cash.
On the flip side, he was fired from Harvard. His family and friends would pass away around him. He suffered a near fatal stroke, leaving him totally dependent. He would go on to say, “The stroke was giving me lessons, and I realized that was grace—fierce grace.”
Each and every day Ram Das woke up and went to school. He never graduated. He never made it. He never viewed his life as over while he was still alive. He never gave up on learning. He just kept going to school.
Even very late into his life, he maintained this perspective. He stated, “Now, I am aging. I am approaching death. I’m getting closer to the end. Now, I really am ready to face the music all around me.”
If you’re human, you know how it is. It’s as if we have these check points in life that possess the illusion of finality.
In one direction, there’s the illusion of “my life is all set now!” In the opposite direction, there’s the illusion of “it’s all over now!” Here are some examples. Some are clearer than others as to what category they belong to. Graduations. Landing a job. Promotions. Marriage. Having children. Layoffs. Retirement. Divorces. Injuries. Diagnoses. Deaths of loved ones. And on it goes.
But what happens next? You eventually go to sleep and wake up the next morning, right?
How one experiences that next morning and the many mornings to come depends. And here is where the wisdom of Ram Das comes into play. Those who continue to wake up and go to school both succeed and suffer with grace. They remain curious, open, and as a result, keep learning.
Maybe it’s worth embracing Ram Das’s message and making it a part of how we do life—no matter what happens.
Our attention spans are short.
There are so many sources of potential stimulation competing for our attention. Modern technology allows us to bounce from one activity to the next without any sustained focus. You ever wonder what your great grandparents would think about this way of living?
Our patience is thin.
If the internet is slow or the icemaker stops working, boy are we inconvenienced. Some people feel annoyed, others frustrated, and not exactly a small minority feel rage. Isn’t that something? I have a feeling it didn’t always used to be this way. I wish I could talk to my great grandparents about this. Their minds would be blown.
There is something admirable about watching the elderly shop for groceries. Age will eventually slow us all down, so it’s important to pay close attention. The elderly take their time, partly because they have to, but the ones that really impress me are those that take their time with a noticeably unburdened attitude. It’s as if they are delighted to have found this piece of wisdom.
I’m not exactly sure, but I think the trick is that they truly embrace doing one thing at a time. They just do this, then just that, then just the next thing. Their attention is fully absorbed by each step. Their mindset is calm and patient, with a bend towards positivity. I bet they make fewer mistakes.
Nike was off by a word. The mantra should be “just do this.” Whatever the task is, “just do this.” It’s a useful challenge and a way to ground oneself in the task at hand. This approach can also help us manage anxiety, keep our obsessive, futuristic thinking in check, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll make fewer mistakes too.
Regardless of how much of a do-it-all-all-at-once kind of person one thinks they are, it’s important to acknowledge that our mental capacity is limited. I like to think of the mind as a cup of hot coffee. If you pour too much coffee into the cup, it overflows. But it’s not just overflow that can be a problem. The cup can also be filled too high, which means any slight stumble can lead to a spill. A properly poured cup of hot coffee leaves some space at the top for wiggle room.
Our smart phones are more like a fire hydrant than a Keurig: the light from our screen blares into our eyes, the seductive content we’re rapidly scrolling through, the insecurities that are evoked from all the posts from perfect people, the sensationalized news headlines, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. You know what I’m talking about. The smartphone alone is overflowing many of our mental coffee cups. Add on work, relationships, household chores, and basic self-care, and we quickly realize we may need an inground pool to hold all the metaphorical coffee we’re pouring. But hey, a little space at the top, right?
I digress. Because we don’t honor the nature of our limited minds, our ability to focus is strained, and our patience is shot. We’re stumbling and fumbling, and the costs of our spills can be severe. We have to learn to pour less coffee. Our sanity is on the line.
So, I’ll close with this mantra instead: “just do this and pour less coffee.”
Blink. And it’s 2024. Another presidential election year. Polls show most Americans aren’t happy with our likely choices. Peggy Noonan from the WSJ said it well: Ole Grumpy vs. Ole Crazy. Some may disagree with that characterization but seems about spot on to me.
My field is mental health though, not political punditry, so I’ll stay in my lane.
Not too long ago, we were in the midst of Covid lockdowns, the 2020 election, and social unrest of various forms, all of which had a profound impact on mental health. Unfortunately, the hangover from this chapter in American history hasn’t lifted for a lot of people. Many lives and relationships were torn apart, not to mention the broader divisions in society that were further exposed.
So here we are, still feeling the aftereffects just in time for another exhausting, uncertain, and divisive 2024 presidential election.
I’ve observed a couple common strategies that people use to reduce their anxieties about politics. One, indulge the news. And two, let’s just call it “bury head in sand.” In other words, it’s either all or nothing. One group does “research” as if they are about to make an argument on the senate floor, while the other is resistant to and overwhelmed by any utterance that sounds remotely political. Triggered!
Can we do better? Maybe not. But we should try.
Consider a few questions. 1. What role should politics have in our relationships with others? 2. How much time should we spend on matters that are outside of our control? 3. How should we cope with political uncertainty?
Here are some ideas. I’ll take it from the top.
The role politics should play in our relationships obviously depends on the relationship. So maybe we start with asking whether it should play any role at all before we proceed. People often run this decision through the filter of agreement, which is to talk politics if and only if you know the person you’re talking to agrees. That doesn’t seem quite right. A better filter is conversational style. Start with evaluating your own communication tendencies, then the other person’s. If you’re not convinced there’s a conversational match, it’s still okay to test the waters as long as you have an exit plan.
Regardless, it’s important to keep perspective. Most relationships aren’t worth ruining over politics. If it’s fun or interesting or all parties like a good intellectual spar, that’s one thing. But if it’s destructive, there are probably other things to talk about.
Question two is more generic but relevant to politics as well. Focusing on matters outside of our control can be a distraction from things in our lives that need to be addressed. Maybe you’ve heard or said something like this before: “the world is falling apart, so what difference does it make?” Which is then followed by a long-winded explanation about how everything is screwed up. The result is feeling hopeless, out of control, and psychologically paralyzed.
Okay fair, you and I don’t control the quality of the world, but we do maintain some control over the quality of our own life. Let’s not lose focus on that, while also being reasonably informed about what’s going on in government. So maybe that’s a basic standard to keep in mind. “Reasonably informed,” opposed to obsessively informed or not informed at all. Like most things, find a balance.
This brings me to the third question: how should we cope with political uncertainty? How about sanely. Beware of the tricks that the passions play. Even if we need to stand for something, we should be mindful of whether our passion has become a distraction to our message. Beyond valuing basic sanity, let’s keep living our lives. Eat a good meal, exercise, meditate, go to work, pursue social connection, and keep our households in order no matter what’s on the news, what your uncle thinks, or even who ultimately wins the election.
I’ll end with this. It’s likely the case that the 2024 election process will be a very, very wild ride. Not to be flippant, but so what. My job is still to manage me, and your job is still to manage you. Keep that in mind, and we’ll be just fine.
Full Focus Counseling 