Does every day feel the same?

Maybe this makes you feel a little depressed or restless, so you might go for a walk or something. Then you come back home, and a thought enters your mind like, “that was nice, but not enough.” Then maybe you begin thinking to yourself that you need to do something more dramatic—move somewhere different, go back to school, dump your partner. Something that will really break the pattern. But wait, you’ve done that before, and you’re still feeling stuck.

This is what it’s like to be on the hamster wheel. Life has devolved into this strange, paradoxical experience where no matter what you do, it all feels the same.

There are times when a small pattern disruptor or going for a big life change is exactly what you need. Not knocking either of these options. But the hamster wheel effect implies something deeper, which is why it might be time to take a look at your life philosophy.

Philosophy can be hard because it requires cognitive effort. If we turn away from it though, we will gravitate back to the familiar, which is the hamster wheel. Hamster wheels are for hamsters, not for humans.

Interestingly, regardless of your routine or behavioral patterns, stepping off the hamster wheel might have more to do with changing how you think than changing what you do.

According to MIT philosopher Kieran Setiya, we must borrow a key insight from Aristotle, who identified a fundamental distinction between two types of human pursuits that, for the sake of simplicity, I will refer to as type 1 and type 2 pursuits.

Type 1 pursuits are those that we aim to complete and are outcome focused.

Type 2 pursuits are continuous and are process focused.

Stepping off the hamster wheel involves developing a Type 2 orientation. This is not to say that completable goals and outcomes aren’t important. It’s just that we have a tendency to lean into them too far, which leads to hamster wheel experiences, such as feeling like you’re working to get to the weekend, only to start another work week again on Monday. Or worse, hamster wheel attitudes, such as “oh same ole, same ole, just getting through the day.”

A type 2 orientation means we challenge ourselves to think in terms of values. We don’t complete values; we continuously pursue them. For example, you may value health. The pursuit is ongoing. The definition changes across the lifespan. You take two steps forward and one step back, but on and on you go. You’re not chasing finish lines. You’re focused on the continual process.

A type 2 orientation also means taking a perspective that transcends failure or success. To summarize Setiya, we must challenge ourselves to acknowledge the intrinsic value of experiences. An easy example to ponder is cooking. Why do we cook? To complete the task? To make something edible? What if it comes out wrong? Is all value lost? What if it comes out right? Do we just devour it mindlessly? And off we go to the next thing?

It’s possible to cook because we value the experience of cooking. If it turns out to be trash, we still learned something. We don’t have to finish cooking. We can do it again and again and again. A type 2 orientation encourages us to connect with life as an infinite game of sorts—the point being, to keep it going for its own sake.

I’d like to return to the introduction. Remember that walk you were taking to break up the monotony of everyday life? Instead of the thought, “that was nice, but not enough,” perhaps a new way of thinking can take root as we learn to step off the hamster wheel. Maybe we begin to look at the walking as a practice, as a continuous process, and as not just nice, but also, enough.

The institution of friendship is on the brink. People are lonelier than ever before. We have forgotten how to make friends. There is a deep resistance people feel when even considering the topic of making new friends or reestablishing old ones. Awkwardness is feared. Anxiety is feared. Sounding smart or cool or smooth are just additional roadblocks to becoming more socially engaged. We have set ourselves up for failure.

I have worked with numerous clients in my counseling practice who are waiting for friends to show up at their door step, text them, call them, plan something, invite them to the next happy hour, etc. It doesn’t work that way. This is in large part due to the fact that other people are in the same boat. They too are socially paralyzed.

There was a recent book written by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, who are the leading researchers of the longest study ever conducted on human happiness. What is the bottom line? Relationships. People who have quality relationships are healthier and live longer. Not being socially connected is a killer.

Friendships are a big piece of the mental health puzzle, but we must pay a price.

Nothing is free, including friends. Except the currency isn’t money; it’s actually discomfort. Discomfort is the payment for any form of psychological growth. Laurie Santos, another prominent psychological researcher, refers to this concept as “start-up cost.” Seeing the feelings of anxiety or awkwardness as the price you pay for social connection is an excellent way to reframe phase one of the social process.

Phase one is just phase one though. There are many more phases to a budding friendship, but you can’t skip phase one. If a baseball player got a triple but decided to skip first base, you’d think, “well, that’s not how it works.” The process of friendship is similar. It starts by making social contact, then working your way through the various phases of social interaction so that trust and connection can be established.

Here’s a theory.

I think the feeling of social awkwardness was evolutionarily advantageous. It does a couple of things. One, it turns attention inward so that we don’t make a reputational mistake that leads to rejection. Throughout human history, even temporary social isolation could mean death. Two, it makes us a little suspicious. Trust isn’t something we should give out to everyone. Awkwardness prevents us from putting all our social chips in the middle of the table. You know how it goes: know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run.

So, awkwardness is inevitable. It’s something we must confront and work through. There’s no way around it. However, we can learn to view it in the broader context of building connections. We can learn to relate to it properly. We can learn to move past it.

I want to make a final point about becoming what I call a social initiator. Our world needs more of them. Who are they? These are the people that bring people together. They organize the coffee meetups, the barbeques, and the get-togethers for the holidays. They send out invites to the group text. They don’t fear being told no or I’m busy. These people are courageous, and they are needed to facilitate opportunities for friendship and promote a sense of community.

You can become a social initiator if you want to. Do it for yourself. Do it because you need social connection, just like you need food and water. Other people will benefit too. Will you be told no? Sometimes. Will that hurt? A little bit. Will you feel awkward? More than likely. That’s okay. Stick with it. The price is worth it.

I had the idea of writing this post for a while now, but I finally sat down to complete it on June 29. Unexpectedly, my Grandma Thode passed away the day after I wrote the paragraphs below. I thought we had longer—we didn’t. Interesting how life works. Anyway, this is dedicated to Marie Thode. Thank you for a life well lived.

Our senior population has something to offer. Too often, we dismiss them as out of touch or over the hill. They’re not. They just don’t have everything right. But neither do I and, presumably, nor do you. There is something to be said for life experience though. It’s not everything, but it definitely has something to do with credibility, especially in the realm of wisdom.

My grandmothers have that credibility. And that credibility deserves respect.

Both of my grandmothers were born in the rural Midwest during the Great Depression. They were teens by the end of WWII. They were adults when prominent cultural and political figures were assassinated in cold blood. They experienced the unnerving anxiety surrounding countless world events. With dignity, they dealt with health issues, the death of loved ones, and navigated uncertain times the best they could.

Yet, they also found love; they have children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; they take pride in their work; they embrace the Good that life has to offer.

Like the guy says in the Farmers Insurance commercials, “We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two.” That describes my grandmothers. It probably describes yours too.

Even in their 90’s, they continue to offer some meaningful life lessons. I could probably keep you here all day, but I picked two in particular that I would like to share, one from each grandmother.

Lesson 1: “I’ve heard a lot of young people these days talk about ‘trying to find themselves.’ If my dad heard me say that, he’d say, ‘it sounds like you need to get to work.’” -Grandma Thode

Sometimes we focus too much on our inner worlds, which can lie at the core of depression and anxiety. We fall into this trap of “finding myself” when there might not actually be a self to find. Think about it: do you ever really find yourself—like the whole thing? No, probably not. So what though? My grandmother’s short anecdote puts the emphasis on action, not so much the mind. In a gentle yet direct way, Grandma Thode would second her father’s words. Get to work. Make a difference. Test yourself a bit. Get out of your head. You find out a lot about yourself through what you do.

Lesson 2: “I’d like them to understand that something natural has happened.” -Grandma Martin

A few years ago, I gathered the courage to ask my Grandma Martin how she would like her family to respond to her death. The quote above was what she told me. She didn’t make it about her, she made it about nature. She said it in the most soothing way too, only as a grandmother can. And I believe her. Life is natural, and since death is a part of life, death must be natural. For some reason, putting it this way helped me develop a deeper acceptance of the inevitable. For sure, death is painful. Grandma knows this as well as anybody. But it’s also a part of something much bigger, much more profound than ourselves.

These lessons will last a lifetime, and they couldn’t have come from better sources. I should add that the wisdom isn’t just in their words— it’s also in their gestures, the look in their eye, and most definitely in their smile. I’m not sure who to attribute this quote to, but it makes sense: “nothing is more beautiful than a smile that has struggled through years and tears.” I agree.

As the title states, this is a note to those who are always on the go– parents, ambitious professionals, caffeine feigns, busy bodies, the over-bookers, and to everyone who struggles with FOMO.

Always in a rush? Constantly hurrying to get to the next thing?

What does this do to your mind and relationships?

Some possible consequences… Thoughts become rushed and hurried. Emotional processing becomes rushed and hurried. Decisions become rushed and hurried. Interactions feel rushed and hurried. Life passes you by– rushed and hurried. Kids grow up– rushed and hurried. And on and on the vicious cycle continues.

Rush! Hurry! Get to the next thing!

If this is how you choose to live, that’s your right. But if you’d like to try something different and get a little calmer while you’re at it, consider these simple tips. None of them are groundbreaking discoveries, but maybe they’ll be helpful.

1. Slow Down.

Walk slower. Talk slower. Eat slower. Breathe slower. Reach for your next sip of coffee slower. Dare I say, drive slower? Doesn’t have to be a lot slower, just a little bit slower. Do it consciously. Choose your pace.

Intentionally slowing down basic, everyday actions will help disrupt your automatic patterns and down-regulate your nervous system– AKA help you get calmer.

Another way to slow down is to press the pause button. If you’ve ever played video games, you know about the pause button. Although we can’t have the exact same thing in reality (it’s just a metaphor), we should consider incorporating something like it into our lives. However, the premise for pausing in real life isn’t to check your phone or get food out of the microwave– it’s to create time for noticing. Notice things like the ground beneath you, the sky above you, the mood within you, the energy you’re giving off, these kinds of things.

But wait, you don’t have the time! You won’t get anything done!

That’s not true. Test the theory. You’ll still get plenty done.

2. Take advantage of “calm potentiality.”

Life sometimes presents gifts, and there doesn’t need to be a reason why. The only thing for us to do is to accept them as they come. One of these gifts is (potentially) calm moments. But in order to embrace them fully, you must know what you’re looking for.

Constantly being on the go can make anxiety your default psychological setting, which means you might feel hurried when there is no need to hurry or like you need to solve a problem when there is no problem to solve or that you need to get somewhere when there is no place to be. These moments naturally possess what I call “calm potentiality.” When there is no need to hurry, no problem to solve, and no place to be, recognize this and settle into it, even if it’s just a few minutes.

Might sound strange to say, but it’s okay to be okay.

3. Get some sleep.

This one is tough for those who are always on the go. It could be true that your life might be in a circumstance that makes this virtually impossible, so understanding the “why” behind your sacrifice might be the best you can do. I get that.

But in situations where sleep is possible, which is most cases if we’re being honest, we have to make it a top priority.

The research is absolutely clear: poor sleep negatively affects every single dimension of health. We need to honor our need for rest by having a bedtime routine, not consuming sleep-disrupting substances (alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, food, etc.) too close before dozing off, and giving ourselves permission to let go of the day’s activities. Quality sleep allows your subconscious mind to do its thing–reorganize information and clean out the junk. Without this, brain functioning suffers.

To conclude, here are some benefits to the tips listed above… You might actually be more thorough in your thinking. You might process emotions more clearly and be able to stabilize your mood. Your interactions with others will seem less pressured. You will make better decisions. Life will still pass you by because that’s what life does, but you will actually be present for more of it. Your kids will grow up too, but probably not so rushed and hurried. And ultimately, the vicious cycle might stop with you.